It’s the hope that kills us.

Yet again I feel the need to hide in my bedroom as my husband screams at the TV as though he were having surgery without anaesthetic. I wish I could not listen, but I can’t help hearing the cries every time England gets close to scoring, or someone gives away the ball. It hurts – fact. It hurts so much I want to run to the kitchen for some solace, to my safe space, my comfort zone. But I know if I do that I’ll be there for a while. This match – the final requires me to bake at least three dishes to have continued belief and hope. The satisfaction I’ll get from the finished goods surely will help me heal. I’m not sure. I’m fixed watching something I’ve lost interest in on my laptop while praying a desperate prayer for victory. I don’t hear the cry of a team that is winning, I sink deeper into my bed all the while thinking of the sweet, deliciousness of the kitchen. Should I or shouldn’t I? I want to get to the TV to see what my husband’s last hopeful shriek was about but the pain…

I give up and decide to take my chances in the kitchen. The only thing that’ll fix this is my Self Saucing Butterscotch Pudding. I whip up a batch knowing it won’t take me to the end of the match. Gotta make something else the comfort I usually get from baking while frustrated hasn’t appeared. The tightness is still there, and the muscle on the left side of my head is visibly throbbing I think it’s throbbing in time 1, 2, 3,4 a rhythm that seems in line with the opposition passing the ball. Oh Lord please give us a goal.

Then I hear it, the cry I’ve been anticipating Yeeesssss, yes, yes, yes, are the cries from the lounge. We’ve equalised. Thank you, thank you, thank you. He comes running in, we’ve scored, then runs back to the TV. I follow him with one eye on my timer, I don’t want to ruin the pudding, we’ll need the sugar after the match. I watch the replay, I feel ecstatic, overjoyed, elated. My chest no longer feels tight, I can breathe easier. I want to cry but it’s too soon, plenty of time to go. “We can do this” I hear my husband shout. I believe him. We can do this!

I head back to the kitchen to whip up some cookies I can’t stop now. My gluten-free chocolate chip cookies are a winner they may help. I’m scooping quicker than Betty Crocker. In they go.
It felt like time was moving very quickly, the end of the match was close, and it had gone quiet. Then… aaahhggg! My heart sinks. Aghhh I hear again. Then I see his face at the door. “It’s over, they’ve just scored with 3 mins to go”. He heads back to the lounge I bury my face in cookie dough. I’m devastated. But it’s not over. The pain is back, stronger this time. I really thought this was it. I feel for the players, I feel for the manager, and I feel for the fans all around the country who have gone through this pain with me. We’ve come so close. I want to cry again, and the feeling is stronger now as I know it’s nearly over. I look at the pudding I’ve just taken out of the oven to realise it will not be enough to comfort me this time. The cookies smell delicious, but I won’t taste a crumb. I hear my timer ping. Time’s up, and at the same time. I hear the full-time whistle. It’s over. We’re all crushed. The players collapse onto the pitch. I collapse into my pudding, we hurt together.

It’s the hope that kills us, but we’ll be here again hoping we’re opening champagne instead of baking for comfort.

SELF-SAUCING BUTTERSCOTCH PUDDING

190g (1 1/3 cup) Plain flour (gluten-free)

3 tsp Baking powder

1 tbsp Caster sugar

¼ tsp Salt

1 L Free range egg

100g (½ cup) Butter or dairy free spread, melted

1 tsp Vanilla

125ml (½ cup) dairy-free milk

Butterscotch Sauce

100g (½ cup) Brown sugar

2 tsp Cornflour

3 tbsp Golden syrup

500ml (2 cups) Boiling water

Method

1. Preheat oven to 355F 180C Gas 4. Grease an oven-proof dish.

2. Mix the flour, baking powder, sugar and salt in a large mixing bowl.

3. Pour in the beaten egg. Melt the dairy-free spread and add.

4. Add the vanilla and milk. Mix until well combined. Transfer to the oven-proof dish.

5. Combine the brown sugar and corn flour in a small bowl. Then evenly sprinkle over the pudding mixture.

6. In a large jug mix the boiling water and golden syrup. Then pour gently over the back of a spoon onto the pudding.

7. Bake for 35 minutes, until a skewer inserted into the centre of the pudding comes out clean and the top is golden brown. Serve with your favourite vanilla ice cream.

TIP

It's okay if the pudding is wobbly. If you are cooking in ramekins, check after 20 minutes.